When It’s Not The Ending of the Romantic Relationship That Causes All The Pain #scintilla

Today’s prompt:

Talk about breaking someone else’s heart, or having your own heart broken.

I’ve blogged about the ending of my 10 year relationship which lead me to moving to Germany so much that honestly I’m kinda sick of it.  For those of you not around for those days, here’s all you need to know – Ex cheated on me.  We broke up.

Our relationship was one that needed to end.  I think we both had an exit strategy, I know I did, my ex just happened to get in first.  Yes, it hurt.  The ending of any romance always does.  But it wasn’t the ending of the romantic relationship that has left me with ongoing hurt.  It was the brutal ending of our 13 year long friendship that did.

I had the, perhaps stupid, notion that my ex and I could remain friends after we spilt up.  I thought we still liked each other even though we were no longer in love. Perhaps we would not have been best friends, but friends at least.  The ending of our relationship coincided with me leaving to compete in martial arts in the Gay Games, which were being held in Cologne. I had told my ex after we broke up that I would move out, but then I was offered a job in Germany, so I asked if I could stay in the house until I left the country.  It took her a week to make a decision.  I chalked that up to the breakup.  Everyone does things they are not proud of and acts in ways that they wouldn’t normally during a breakup.  I thought a month away from each other would be good for clearing the air and re-establishing our relationship as friends. I was wrong.

When I arrived back from the Gay Games, I was treated like I was some horrible smell in the room. My presence in the house was unwanted and barely tolerated. I have never experienced that level of dislike and almost hatred from someone before.  I’m not sure what I had done to deserve it.  We had broken up and I was certainly not making any attempt to rekindle the relationship – I was leaving the country, how much more of a ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship with you’ sign could you ask for? The month I spent back in Australia packing up my things was probably the worst month of my life.

I’m still left wondering what I had done to make her dislike me so much.  Am I really that much of horrible person that I can make someone hate me so much? Or did she think so little of me that she felt she didn’t have to treat me with any respect? The hurt from being treated that way still lingers on. It’s safe to say that my self-esteem and self-worth got a good battering from that experience.  I hate that my ex could and still does in a way affect me that much. I want that chapter of my life over and done with, not hanging around like bad B.O. I want to move on.

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5 thoughts on “When It’s Not The Ending of the Romantic Relationship That Causes All The Pain #scintilla

    • I have made some great friends here. However, I do lack lesbian friends. I just can’t seem to find where all the lesbians are hiding.

  1. Hey Riayn,

    I have been through some stuff that makes me feel empathy with this post.

    I think its great that you went and changed your life, moved overseas and started again.

    Maybe without the breakup you wouldn’t have made such a big awesome leap! And just think, no danger of running into them at the local Lidl!

    Time fades the scars, but doesn’t kill the hurt entirely. Just know that you’re awesome, and even if you weren’t the right person for that partner, you can find happiness!

    Maybe she didn’t dislike you at the end… maybe she just didn’t know how else to express her hurt. Sometimes I have to remind myself that when people are giving me signals, sometimes its not about me. Its about them, their pain, and themselves. Her hurtful behaviour was just a sign that she wasn’t mature enough to deal with you being there. And the fact that she ended the relationship by cheating was another way of her showing that she wasn’t very mature about the relationship either.

    I guess, I don’t want to come off as know-it-all-y here… just… positive, hopeful and sympathetic.

    Was it strange writing this for scintilla? I mean, I like to choose when to write about stuff that hurts me. So it probably took some balls to come out with this?

    – Lisa

    • I’ve written about this subject before so it wasn’t a huge deal to write about it. I feel the more I can write about issues that affect me the better I seem to deal with them. Writing is very cathartic.

  2. I went through something very, very similar but moved from Canada to the UK instead.

    The anger, hurt and betrayal doesn’t go away, but you can let go of it. It will be there and triggered by the unexpected, but you don’t have to hold onto it.

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