Surviving Cocksucker

Scared child

When I arrived in Hamburg just over a year ago, I promptly joined the English language theatre group, The Hamburg Players, and have been doing Improv with them every since.  The Hamburg Players also do three players a year, but I’ve been way to scared too audition for any of them. I really don’t enjoying auditioning, it’s my least favourite part of acting.  In auditions you are judged and assessed and whilst I know that is what has to happen, I really don’t enjoy the process.  In fact, I’m downright scared of it. I shouldn’t be, I’ve been doing theatre shows since I was 7 and have been to hundreds of auditions, but a 15 year break does strange things to your psyche, hence a fear of auditions.

Today, the Hamburg Players held auditions for their upcoming play, Beyond Therapy, which is being directed by two friends of mine.  If there was ever a time to get over my fear of auditions, it was now.  So, despite some heavy duty fear, I went and I auditioned and I didn’t die.

As an actor, I’m fairly reserved.  I have a real issue with just letting myself go and trusting the process. The first scene I was asked to read was quirky and fun, but nothing too terrifying. I was then asked to read a second scene and this where I had my fear of letting my go were tested to their limits.  In this scene, the character goes a little insane and starting screaming out ‘cocksucker’ multiple times at the tops of her lungs, laughs hysterically and has an orgasmic experience eating a cookie, all within a single monologue. I couldn’t play this reserved without looking a total fool, so I let go and just went with it and again I didn’t die.

I didn’t end up getting a part (there were a lot of really good people auditioning), but I’m not upset in the slightest.  I went and really challenged myself this afternoon and I’m proud of myself for doing so.  Next time the Hamburg Players hold auditions, I will be there and whilst I’ll be nervous, I won’t be scared.  I can do it.

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